situation real for both of you and starts you and your spouse down a path that will eventually lead you to a final dissolution of your marriage.  How you manage this conversation may well determine whether the divorce process is relatively smooth and free from drama, or a long series of battles that exhaust you physically, emotionally and financially.  You will give yourself and your spouse the best shot at a peaceful process if you put some careful thought into how to have this discussion before you jump in with both feet.

Introducing your spouse to the idea that you want a divorce is a tricky prospect.  You want to be clear in your intentions, but you also want to be as kind as you can.  You want to deliver your message in a way that will assure that the message is received, but not in a way that will cause unnecessary hurt and anger.

This difficult conversation must be held at a time when you feel you are emotionally strong enough to manage your spouse’s reaction and your response to  his or her reaction.

Consider the timing and setting.

Your spouse should be the first person among your family and friends to know that you want a divorce.  If you have shared this information with others, your spouse could hear the news from someone else.  This very well might add public humiliation to the resentment and anger that your spouse will experience upon hearing that his or her marriage is ending, and that can never be good for the prospect of having your divorce be a smooth transition for all involved.

Location. As a rule, people like to be out of the public eye when they’re feeling strong emotions, so a private place – and one that is free from either good or bad memories – would be the preferred setting.  Make arrangements for your children to be cared for elsewhere so you can avoid being interrupted at an awkward time.  Avoid making this announcement on or around a special occasion to avoid turning little Johnny’s birthday into “the day my mom moved out.”

If, however, you fear that you spouse may react violently to the news about the divorce, choose a public place like a park or a coffee shop for the conversation.   If you worry that your spouse might engage in self-destructive behavior, you might want to consult with a mental health professional for advice about your situation before you have this talk with your spouse.

Professional Assistance. If you are engaged in marriage counseling or joint therapy with your spouse, consider telling your spouse of your intention to divorce during a counseling session.  In a private session with your counselor, you can plan what you will say and how it will be said.  Then, while you and your spouse are with the counselor, he or she can guide you through the conversation and help you get back on track if you veer off your original path.  A counselor can also help you and your spouse deal with the strong emotions you are both likely to experience during the session so that a meaningful conversation can occur.  One approach might be for both of you to be with the counselor for the first half of the session, then the counselor and your spouse can have the second half without you to process the message that you delivered.

Even if you don’t arrange for a structured, time-limited meeting in a therapist’s office, consider creating a situation where there is a designated end time.  Your goal is to deliver the message that you want a divorce with as little drama as possible.  Having an exit strategy will help.

Be prepared for all possible reactions.

You know your spouse better than anyone, but if you’ve never had a discussion specifically about the reality that you will be divorcing, you cannot predict how he or she will respond.  A surprising number of those divorced say they never saw it coming, and had no idea how unhappy their partners were. So, even if you have been miserable and thinking of moving on for months, your spouse may be shocked at your request.  And even if you and your spouse are equally unhappy in your marriage, you’re pulling the trigger on getting a divorce, and that stings. Imagine how you would feel if your boss came into your office one day out of the blue and told you that you’re fired and your replacement will be here in the morning, so please leave now.  You would certainly feel strong emotions and need some time to get yourself together before you are ready to make decisions or emotionally move on.

Anger and Resentment. Be prepared with a plan for how to respond if your spouse lashes out at you.  Avoid the temptation to defend yourself or strike back.  Listening intently and actively to your spouse at this moment will take the wind out of his or her sails; making excuses or hurling back accusations will add fuel to the fire and change the focus of the conversation from what is going to happen to what a jerk you are.  When there is a pause in your spouse’s litany of reasons why a divorce will be your fault, you can say, “I can hear that you have also been unhappy for a long time, and I’m sorry that I did not realize that sooner so that I did not continue adding to your misery.”  Remember, this is the moment in which you set the tone for your entire divorce process, so put all your energy into making it one that will be most likely to take you in the direction you feel will be most beneficial for you and your family over the long term.

Blame. Refuse to engage in the blame game.  You can repeat what you have already said emphasizing four points:

• Your decision is irrevocable and you will not change your mind.
• You are determined to have a civilized and decent divorce in which everybody’s needs are addressed including your spouse’s.
• You will not engage in a discussion about fault. You are only willing to talk about how to organize the divorce.
• You are also aware that your spouse needs time to accept the situation and you will give him or her a reasonable amount of time for that.

Tell your spouse that you are aware that the two of you will have to negotiate many decisions and that you will work with him or her to get a fair and reasonable resolution. But this is not the time for those discussions. That will come when he or she has had time to reflect on the situation and feels ready to begin. You may also say that you will not precipitate any kind of legal action without notice, and that you hope to minimize contact with lawyers and the courts.

Request for reasons. Anticipate that you will be asked why you want a divorce, and be prepared to give an answer that is truthful, but not hurtful or insulting.  “I’m just tired of all the fighting and I feel that there’s no hope for our marriage,” will be much better received than, “You’re a horrible person who has messed up our children beyond belief.”  Accept responsibility for your part in the decline of your relationship rather than blaming your spouse, but avoid long confessions that will change the subject from moving forward with separation and divorce to who created the problems.  “I can’t be the person you want me to be,” will work better than reciting a list of anyone’s bad behaviors.

If you are involved in a relationship outside of your marriage that is not already known to your spouse, this will not be the time or place to confess that fact – this will be a low point for your spouse’s self-esteem, so there is no reason to add insult to injury.  If you are specifically asked about an affair, say, “We will talk about everything soon, but not right now.  We are both too upset for that right now.”

Request for reconsideration. If your spouse doesn’t share your idea that divorcing is the right option for your family, he or she will likely ask you to change your mind about getting a divorce.  If you’re willing to go to counseling, be very specific about the purpose.  “I’ll go to counseling to attempt to save the marriage,” is very different than, “I’ll go to counseling to work on our post-divorce co-parenting relationship.”  If you are sure that you won’t change your mind, you must state that fact as clearly and compassionately as possible.  “I know that I have hurt you very much, and I hope some day you will find a way to forgive me.  I am not going to change my mind about the divorce.”

Be as kind as you can without lying, over-promising, or creating false hope.

A spouse who wants to save a marriage will interpret everything you say and do in a way that supports his or her belief that there is hope for the marriage to remain in tact.  When those hopes are dashed, the whole process of angry lashing out will begin all over.  Be careful about using pet names, sharing inside jokes, and acting as if everything is normal.  You may begin to feel that it is not safe for you to be nice to your spouse because it continues the cycle of hope and disappointment.  As difficult as it might be, you might need to say, “I want to be able to be nice to you without causing you to think that we’re getting back together.”  That may not be tolerable to your spouse until he or she moves closer to accepting the fact that the divorce will happen.  Respect his or her wishes and limit contact to businesslike interactions until tensions subside if this is the case.

You may also be tempted to make statements that are subject to interpretation.  “I will always take care of you and the kids,” might create unrealistic expectations in a wife who just learned that she will be a single mom and is anxious about her financial future.

End the conversation at the right time.

You might want to reassure your spouse that you have everything already figured out and here’s how your property can be divided and when he or she will see the kids.  Do not fall into this trap, even if your spouse asks to talk about a settlement.  Settlement discussions are not productive – and in fact, they are likely to set you back – if they’re not held at a time when you and your spouse have collected all the information you each need to make an informed decision and at a time when both of you have regained your emotional equilibrium.  Discuss only immediate arrangements (I’ll go to my friend’s house for the night and give you some space, then I’ll be back tomorrow and we can talk about what makes sense for short-term arrangements.”) and agree that longer-term plans will be discussed at a later time.  Assure your spouse that you intend to be fair and you are confident that the two of you will work out a reasonable agreement. But now is not the time to do it.  Reassure him or her that you empathize with his or her feelings and that you two will work together to make decisions when the time is right.

anything but an arm’s-length transaction, and the emotional issues areat leastas important as the “business” part of the deal. You and your spouse have a long history together, and every issue related to your divorce will provide hundreds of opportunities to rehash past events until the negotiation becomes just another fight like the ones that led to your decision to divorce.

Direct negotiation with your spouse about your divorce will probably never be simple or straightforward – it’s too easy for one word, or a sideways glance, or the tone of one spouse’s voice to trigger an angry outburst in the other. It is helpful, however, if you and your spouse can come to some agreements on your own, even if it’s only on small details like dividing the Christmas tree ornaments or the family photos. The key is to follow some simple rules that will give you the best possible chance to reach an agreement.

Assess Each Spouse’s Readiness to Negotiate

A successful negotiation requires that both spouses be emotionally ready to deal with the reality of their situation. A useful tool for assessing readiness is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief, which were outlined in her book On Death and Dyinging 1969 and revised in On Grief and Grieving in 2007. Although this model was originally created for people facing death, they are equally applicable to those facing the death of their marriage:

1. Denial. “This cannot be happening to me. My husband will change his mind – he’s just confused right now.”
2. Anger. “How could she do this to me? I can’t believe I never knew that she was this cruel. I’m humiliated, and someone has to pay!”
3. Bargaining. “I’ll change. I’ll do anything to make this marriage last. Give me another chance.”
4. Depression. “I can’t go on. I’m so sad that I don’t want to bother with anything. There’s no point.”
5. Acceptance. “This is happening and I can’t stop it. I need to take care of myself and make the best choices I can to protect my future.”

Although it does happen (especially if the couple has been working with a therapist on marital issues for some time), it is rare for spouses to begin the divorce process when both are at the “acceptance” stage of grieving the loss of their marriage. If a husband has been considering separation and thinking about life after divorce for a long time while his wife has just learned of her husband’s intention to end the marriage, it’s unrealistic to think that both will be in the same emotional place. The wife (in denial) will perceive a different reality from her husband (in acceptance), and she will need time to process the earth-shattering news before being able to tend to the business decisions that need to be made. Add to this the mistrust that comes with such a surprise, and it becomes clear why settlement talks at this time will not be productive. In fact, pushing someone to negotiate before he or she is ready can make matters worse.

This does not mean that the husband in our example must wait indefinitely to move forward with a divorce – counselors and lawyers can help the wife begin to deal with the reality of her situation – but it does mean that, until the wife moves in the direction of acceptance, direct negotiation between the spouses is not a good model for settling on the terms of the divorce.

Use a Structured Settlement Negotiation Process

Successful negotiation follows a specific five-step process:

1. Identify Interests. This means find out what is important to each party, rather than what he or she wants (his or her positions). So, for example, if the wife says, “I want the blue Volvo,” that’s her position. To find out her interest, ask what need that vehicle fills. “It’s safe, reliable transportation for me and my children” might be the answer. That is the wife’s interest. When you know someone’s interests rather than his or her positions, you can be creative in looking for ways to satisfy those interests.  There may be hundreds of ways to provide safe, reliable transportation for the wife, some of which are even better than the blue Volvo, but if you don’t know what problem she is trying to solve, you won’t know where to look for acceptable alternatives.
2. Gather Information. Both spouses must have enough information to make informed decisions. If the husband has no knowledge about the value of the parties’ house, for example, he can’t make a wise decision about whether to sell it, give it to the wife as part of the property division, or keep it. Each party should have access to all the information he or she thinks is needed to make smart decisions.
3. Generate Options. Each party should think of as many ways to address the issue as possible, keeping in mind both people’s interests.
4. Evaluate Options. Each party should look at the options and determine which ones should be eliminated and which can still be considered. Each party should consider how each option compares with what the outcome might be if no agreement is reached – in other words, what a judge would probably do if the case went to court.
5. Negotiate a Final Deal. This often involves some old-fashioned horse trading as the parties fine-tune the details of their agreement.

Avoid Jumping the Gun

If you try to jump ahead and discuss a specific settlement before you go through the other steps, you’re setting yourself up for failure, and here’s why:

You may know everything you need to know to make a decision on a specific issue and be ready to make a very good offer, but if your spouse does not also have the information needed to evaluate the offer, he or she can’t accept it. Imagine that you’re trying to negotiate the purchase of a used car. The moment you start walking toward that sweet little late-model Jaguar, the salesman says, “I’ll let you have it for $15,000. That’s the best deal you’ll ever get, and it’s only good for the next 15 minutes. You can’t look under the hood or drive the car before you decide.” If the car’s in good shape and has low mileage, it certainlyisa great deal. But if it has a blown transmission or a cracked engine block, it’s certainly not. How do you feel about the salesman? Suspicious, right? Why does he want to cram this down your throat right now? What’s he trying to hide? Since you have only $15,000 to spend, you can’t afford to make a mistake, so you have to say no.

The same is true when you negotiate with your spouse. Wait until your spouse has all the information he or she needs to make an informed decision. If you don’t, your spouse will be suspicious of you and you’ll be offended that he or she turned down “the best deal you’ll ever get.” If you’re willing to make a great offer, do yourself a favor and wait until it’s likely to be appreciated and accepted – and that’safteryour spouse has enough information to make an educated decision.

Create a Successful Negotiating Environment

If you follow these simple steps, you will give yourself and your spouse the best chance to come to agreements about issues relating to your divorce:

1. Make an appointment with your spouse to meet at a specific time for a limited duration.The best idea in the world will not be well received if you spring it on someone who’s trying to work or cook dinner. Find a time when both partners can give the issue their undivided attention. These negotiations can be exhausting, so limit your meeting to about an hour.
2. Meet in a place that feels neutral. Also, make sure that you won’t be interrupted, especially by your children.
3. Tell your spouse what you want to talk about, and then stick to that topic.No one likes to be surprised or feel ambushed. If you’ve asked to meet to discuss the arrangements for the children over the holidays, resist the urge to bring up how the retirement accounts are going to be divided. You’ll make more progress if you tackle issues in small pieces rather than trying to do too much at once.
4. Agree in advance that if either of you feels uncomfortable for any reason (or no reason) you will end the conversation.There are many ways to accomplish what you want to do without direct negotiation, so if it’s unproductive or too uncomfortable, you need to stop before things get out of hand.
5. If you do come to an agreement, write it down and have both parties sign the document.This will help avoid conflict in the future about what agreements were made.

So a conversation between spouses using this formula might go something like this:

Wife:  Is there a time on Thursday that you could meet me at the corner coffee shop for an hour to talk about a schedule for the kids over the holidays? I just need to be finished by 3:00 so I can pick up the kids from school.

Husband:  I could meet you at 1:30. Can you also bring me the dimensions of the dining table? We need to decide whether to sell it or move it to my new place.

Wife:   No problem – I’ll see you then.

of decisions the parents make, it makes the situation that much more difficult. This is a task that requires parents to agree about what they are going to say, plan how it will be said, and support each other during the discussion – things that seem nearly impossible when a relationship is ending. But of all the things parents sacrifice and do for their children, this may be one of the most important. This is the time for you and your spouse to put your own feelings about each other aside and act together for the benefit of your children, if at all possible. If it is not possible for both parents to talk to the children together, it is best if children can talk to both parents separately, but near the same time, to help the children deal with their feelings of loss, sadness, anger, and fear about the future.

Preparation. A conversation with your children about divorce requires planning. It should not be an afterthought mentioned on the ride home from soccer practice or spewed in anger on the heels of a fight. If you have a counselor, ask for advice and guidance. Make a detailed script for who will discuss what topics. Even if you can’t stick to it completely, a script will help you maintain your emotional balance during this difficult time and will give you a place to get back on your intended path if you find yourself going off course.

Plan not only what you will say, but also talk about the tone of the discussions. Be prepared to step in and take over if your spouse falters or breaks down. There is nothing wrong with showing your emotions, as long as your feelings are about your relationship with the children, not what is wrong with your spouse.

Put yourself in the place of your children. If you were receiving unsettling news from people you depend on for your survival, how would you feel? What would make you feel better? What questions would you have? Use this information to build your script.

Content. The level of detail children need will depend on your children’s ages, but the overriding message is still the same: “We love you, and that will never end.” Focus on all the things that will stay the same for the children, but avoid painting an unrealistic picture about how life will be after the divorce. Your children have been watching you their entire lives, and they know when you are telling them something that’s just not quite right or that you don’t necessarily believe. Children are also intuitive, and, if they are of school age, they probably have friends whose parents are divorced. They will have their own ideas about what will and will not happen next.

Include the following ideas in your plan:

• We are not divorcing you; we are still your parents.
• Our divorce is not your fault; it is our decision based on our feelings. We think we can be better parents to you if we do it in separate homes.
• We know there will be lots of changes – maybe even some that we don’t know about right now. We will all go through them together, and we will listen to you tell us how you’re feeling and what you need from us.
• We are all going to feel all kinds of emotions about this separation, and that’s normal. You can always talk to me about your feelings.

Leave the following ideas out of your plan:

• Criticism of a parent or his or her family. Children correctly see themselves as part mom and part dad. If someone says something negative about one of their parents, children see that part of themselves as being bad or wrong. Tell the children that you and your spouse have agreed that you won’t say bad things about each other to the children, and give your children permission to correct you if you make a mistake in this area.
• Details about why the parents are divorcing. Children do not need to know about who had an affair or who blew the family’s life savings at the craps table. Tell them that the reasons behind the divorce are adult matters and that you and your spouse have agreed to keep private matters private.
• Promises about how the children will “love having two homes.” Although that might indeed happen, children will not be thinking along those lines when they are first hearing of a divorce.

For things that are not yet decided, tell the children that they are not in charge of taking care of things like when they will be with each parent or how much money will be available to run the household. Tell the children that the parents are committed to working these arrangements out, and they will be told everything they need to know as soon as that happens.

Anticipate the following questions (which may vary depending on the age of the child):

• Where will I live?
• Will I have to change schools/teams/scout troops/etc.?
• Will I have to make all new friends?

Timing. Parents are not always in charge of when conversations with children about divorce occur. If a parent has moved out abruptly or just doesn’t come home after a business trip, something will have to be said to the children. Often, though, some thought can be given to when to tell children about an impending divorce.

The age and maturity of a child will factor into when to talk to him or her about a divorce. Older children typically need more time than younger ones to adjust to a new situation. Younger children might become anxious and fearful if they have too much notice about a coming change. With infants and toddlers, your focus might be on when they will see Mommy or Daddy next rather than why Mommy or Daddy is not here now.

Here are some other factors to consider when planning the timing of this difficult discussion:

• Take care to talk to your children before they are likely to hear the news from someone else. If mom tells little Suzy’s mom, who mentions it to her husband, little Suzy might overhear the conversation and repeat the news to your children (and others).
• If possible, know what the parents’ respective living situations will be – even if it’s only short-term – before talking to the children. If a child does not know where Dad is living, the child might worry about him.
• If the separation has not yet occurred, give the children an idea about when it will happen in an age-appropriate way.

If you have more than one child, consider whether to talk to them together or separately based on their ages and how close they are. If you tell the children as a group, do your best to see each child privately, as well, to hear the thoughts they might not share with their siblings. If older children are already out of the house, call on them to check in with younger children and give them some reassuring attention.

Leave the door open. Talking to your children about divorce cannot be something that is checked off your “to do” list and put behind you. Done properly, the conversation about divorce will be an opening for you and your children to talk more about the things that are important to each of you. It will provide an opportunity to grow closer and develop empathy for each other as you discover the joys and challenges that the future holds for all of you.

  you is only going to add to your problems.

3. Find an attorney who fits your style and personality. Remember that you’re the boss. Your attorney should help you understand your options, explain the consequences and costs of each strategy, then let you decide what to do next.

4. Move toward financial autonomy. If you need education, find out where to get it, how long it will take, and how much it will cost. If you need to change jobs or get a job, do it before you’re desperate for money.

5. Learn as much as you can about your finances before you separate. Make copies of records, create a list of assets and liabilities, and consult your accountant.

6. Remember that resolving the financial aspects of your divorce is a business decision. Make these decisions with your head, not your emotions. Cut your losses and maximize your gains.

7. Join or create a support group. Therapists, religious organizations and other professionals often run divorce support groups. Family, friends, members of your religious community, colleagues and neighbors are also good choices. In fact, you can use anyone for support except your children. Find a group for your children, as well. Many school counselors run ongoing groups for students whose parents are divorced or divorcing.

8. Look at the big picture. It’s easy to get caught up in small matters that are irritating now but that won’t make much difference to your life in the long run. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

9. Foster a good relationship between your children and their other parent. When they go to his or her house, tell them to have a good time. Don’t say negative things to the children, or in front of the children, about their other parent.

 10. Avoid doing anything that you don’t want your spouse to know about. Chances are, he or she will find out one way or another.

and meditation are great resources.

2. Remember that “fair” is a matter of perspective. What seems fair to you may not seem fair to your spouse or children. No one is objectively right or wrong about what is or is not fair.

3. Accept your circumstances. Wishing things or people were not the way they are is a huge waste of time and energy. Focus instead on changing what you can change.

4. For things to change, first you must change. Do something differently, even if you can only change the way that you relate to some piece of information.

5. Your life and your divorce are unique. Your divorce will be different from your friend’s or your brother’s or your parents’ divorce. What worked for them may or may not work for you. Take their well-meaning advice as information only.

6. When you forgive people, you’re helping yourself more than you’re helping them. Harboring resentments is like taking poison and expecting it to cause someone else to die.

7. Acknowledge and work through your feelings. Your emotions are your body’s way of moving energy. The more you push emotions away, the more powerful and overwhelming they become.

8. The only thing we know for sure is that things will change. When things are the way you want them, be grateful, because they will change. When things are not the way you want them, be grateful, because that will also change.

9. Treat yourself kindly and accept kindness from others. Allow others to do for you what you would do for them if the situation were reversed.

 10. Live up to your own standards. The right thing to do is still the right thing to do, regardless of now anyone else behaves.